Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Things that should go without saying...

You know, when I’ve been head down in a book all day and finally come up for air, I do like to find out what’s going on in the world. The country, the world, and the planet are all rapidly changing places, and it’s hard to stay on top of things. So imagine my horror (and disgust) at the fact that every time I turn on the news these days, I have to hear about some man’s penis.

Like the constant Viagra commercials and enhancement spam didn’t clutter up enough of my time with their desire to help me with genitalia I don’t have. Now even the news is full of penis discussions and pixilated pictures I really didn’t want to see.

Now, the broader discussions about sexting, fidelity, honesty, etc, are beyond the scope of this blog. My question is simple – why do men feel the need to take pictures of their junk and post it?

Why? For the love of dog, WHY?

I understand that men are visual creatures. This is why bikini-clad women sell everything from cars to beer. Boobs get men’s attention. Fine. What I don’t understand is why they think woman work the same way.

I don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t been approached with some form of “you have nice breasts” as a pickup line. Even flat-chested me has had conversations where the man’s eyes never got higher than my collarbones. But I challenge anyone to find a man who has been approached by a random woman with “gee, I noticed your penis from across the room and had to come meet you in the hopes you’ll let me touch it tonight.”

Ask women what they find physically attractive, and you’ll hear all about chests, shoulders, backs, eyes, a nice smile. A nice butt will usually make the list, but it’s not always a naked butt. It’s not that we’re not visually stimulated. We are. We can be just as shallow as men and objectify with the best of them. However, I’ve never met a woman who swoons with delight over the sight of a penis and MUST MUST MUST meet the man attached to it.

It’s not that I’m not interested in a penis, it’s just that the penis is not the first – or even the 47th – thing I notice about a man. (And if it is the first thing I notice, there’s something really wrong. Like that the man is showing it to me for no good reason.)

But, yet, penis pictures abound. I checked out Craig’s List looking for a bookshelf and found (guess!) penis pictures. I can only assume that the man in question was talked into buying that bookshelf by a salesperson with nice breasts, and figured he’d sell that the same way. (I have to believe that or else just weep for mankind.) ChatRoulette seemed like a fun idea in theory, but it took about 30 seconds for it to become just one penis picture after another.

I understand there are twisted folks who get their thrills showing their genitals to unsuspecting (and unwilling) viewers. Counselor Shelley can tell you all about them and their problems. They need help. It’s the other men – the ones who honestly think that their penis is their best feature and the opener to all potentially romantic encounters – that worry me.

Poor men. They have their definition of masculinity, virility and attractiveness all centered on one piece of unruly* anatomy. If that’s their trophy, fine. I understand the desire to show off a trophy. I also understand that not everyone wants to see my trophy. It’s not really interesting to anyone other than me and a few close friends. Maybe 1% of the people I show a trophy to are jealous or impressed. The other 99% don’t care and really wish I’d put it away.

So guys, if you’re reading this… please quit posting pictures of your penis. I’m not saying it’s never appropriate to show your penis, but like so many things, there’s a time and a place, and I assure you, you’ll know when that time and place is appropriate. You will hear words to the effect of “please show me your penis.” And please, anyone who requests a picture of your penis should be questioned to their motives. Because you never know where it might end up.

Like the five o’clock news. Where I – and a million other people who tuned in to hear about the Middle East and unemployment numbers and are now disappointed – have to see it. And I could’ve done without that.


*(Other than their ability to urinate anywhere, I’ve never envied a man his penis. After all, any inappropriate tingle I might get when faced with a good-looking guy can be easily attributed to either an overheated room or a chilly breeze. Guys have no such luck.)


Playground Monitor said...

And this is precisely why I have absolutely no desire to rush right out and sign up at match.com.

Linda Winstead Jones said...

I almost spewed my coffee. Funny! And at the same time, sadly true. Enough, already. Leave this "news" story to the late night comedians and move on.

Angel said...

OMG! This is even funnier because it is so true!!! I mean, seriously, who thinks that is their best feature (outside of porn stars)?

And with all the stories proliferating the news these days, why would you think that *your* penis pictures are the only ones that wouldn't be leaked?!?!


Maven Linda said...

I don't get it, either. Is this the MTV-ing of culture??? No, wait, can't use the word "culture" in context with penis photos.

It isn't even porn. It's just sad.

LA said...

You'll be at the top of the Google searches now.....wonder just how many times you used the word "penis"???? PUT THEM AWAY, PLEASE!!!!

Smarty Pants said...

You know, PM, I saw an ad the other day for one for adults specificially over 50. Maybe there's less penis photos on there. :)

I have to admit I just don't get it either. If I'm attracted to a man, mentally and physically, the 'package' can enhance the deal, but I've never once in my life thought "Wow, he's handsome, funny, rich, smart, but has an underwhelming penis. So much for that."

I have to admit my favorite part of the whole scandal was early on when he was denying and people asked "could it be you, even if you didn't send it?" And he said he didn't know. It's a pretty simple question. Either you have uncontrolled photos of your junk floating around the internet or you don't. You've taken a picture of it or you haven't. Whether or not it had been him or someone else had hacked his account and sent it, he had pretty much admitted at that point that even if it wasn't him this time, he's done it before.

And the late night jokes about this just kill me. He just made it so easy. You'd think a guy growing up with that name would've been more careful about making himself a punchline.

Smarty Pants said...

Oh, and yeah, I bet we get a million hits today. We'll have to check the stats for what people searched to get to us this week. And quite the lead in blog for my editor to pop in tomorrow. :)

PM's Mother said...

Word verification: hulayedi
Fits right in with the blog.

No comment!

Stephanie said...

I logged on with the intentions of posting something but find myself speechless.

Instigator said...

The whole situation has had me scratching my head in confusion. I don't understand why he thought that picture would get him anywhere.

Instigator - who edited herself for conversation in polite society because I know when and where certain things are approriate.

robertsonreads said...

You ladies have me lol and my coworkers thinking, what the ? And, yes there has been wayyyy too much on tv, radio and such regarding men and thier packages. Seriously, to take pictures, obviously these men have way to much time and not enough to do.

Word verification - josil
I think I will josil to the front of the news with a picture of my package.

Playground Monitor said...

Oh sheesh! Now our most recent and famous political sexter has his own anatomically correct action figure doll. For just $49.95 you can have your own. Uh... not.

SP, I've seen the ads for the seniors online dating sites. I worry there'd be just as many package photos because they want to prove their parts still work.

Virginia said...

Well said! You go girl! I agree 100%

Julie Miller said...

Wow. Well said.

With all that's going on in the world, I'm still stymied at the idea that a man's junk is newsworthy. Double entendre intended.

It's good to have a healthy ego, but really? Don't you think more women are going eeuw! rather than applauding?

Cheryl said...

I am getting old. I am soooo tired of all this about penises on television. Who cares? He's just a sad man who has way too much time (or ANTYHING ELSE) on his hands. Seriously, I wonder where his head was (another entendre) when he snapped the photo. Is he on any committees, like heading a committee (Bazinga), which involved missiles (Double BAZINGA). OKAY, I'm tired now.

Funny Blog!!!!

PC's Mom said...

It's quiet a day for "penis." I'm reading Rhonda Nelson's "Real Men Wear Plaid" and there on page two of the prologue is the word "penis." (I love Rhonda's books and am getting ready to curl up on the couch and read.)

And... "grondo" is my verification word. Obviously what Mr. Weiner thought of his.