Friday, April 30, 2010

Me & Wendy the Wicked, Volume 1

I joined a gym in February and as I mentioned before Easter, signed up to work once a week with a personal trainer. Wendy the Wicked is cute, thin and perky. I think that's a requirement. She dances around and cheers, gives me high fives and makes me hug her a lot even though I'm sweaty. When I lose weight she announces it to the whole room. Its really sort of awkward for me. Anyway, I've met with her seven times, the last time being last night. She got me with the darn medicine ball and jump ropes again. Since my arms are like jello, I thought I'd share this funny story I got in my email. About sums it up how I feel today.


Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Have you ever had a personal trainer? How'd that work out for you? Do you prefer the perky cheerleader type trainer or the mean Eastern European woman that yells? I think I respond better to threats than praise, but if nothing else, it gets me in the gym at least once a week and I have to provide a food journal, so maybe it will keep me on track for a while.



Playground Monitor said...

Never had a personal trainer, and now I'm thinking I made the right choice.

Good luck with Wendy the Wicked.

Kathy said...

Nope. Never had a personal trainer. I'd rather train in the sanctity of my own living room, where no one can see my giggly bits. ;)

I think it's great that you're going to a trainer, SP. Keep up the good work! You'll see results real soon if you stay consistant. That's key. You'll platteau before you see any significant changes. If you'll realize that's part of the process, you'll be less inclined to give up.

Exercising and losing weight is a lot like writing, I guess. You hit your stride, platteau, think what you're doing is useless and want to quit. Just as people have successfully lost weight, writers who have found success have encouraged that this is the time to stick it out. Hitting the platteau, whether with weight issues or writing issues, is the time to hang on, keep plugging away at the keys and marching to the beat of your trainer/muse's drum.

Whether you have a trainer or not, stay focused and keep at it. Success will come! ;)

Instigator said...

I've had 1 session with a personal trainer. I liked her but I definitely hurt for a couple days afterwards. I thought about getting a weekly session with her but somehow haven't found the motivation to actually pay her for the torture.


Liza said...

I went through about 4 personal trainers last year and finally found one I liked, just as my membership to the gym and training sessions ran out. I hate lifting weights, so without a trainer, I don't do it.

I did just join a 5K training group. We meet once a week to run/walk together and then I have to still run 2 other days plus walk one day.

Angel said...

Yep, Wendy the Wicked is something else. She did a number on my triceps on Wednesday. Getting a bra on was tricky, even today. :)

But like Liza said, I have a much harder time doing weights without a trainer. The good thing about Wendy the Wicked is that she writes down all your sessions, and at the end you get to keep them. So I'll have 13 different weight routines all written down for me.

I do enjoy it, though it can be hell sometimes (try 4 sets of 12 pushups... I thought I'd be lucky to get 1 set, but I did them all!).