Let's Mention Unmentionables

Nothing lasts forever (except maybe Tupperware and that pair of shoes you absolutely hate) and so it is with underwear, namely mine. I've found myself in need of new undies and hit the store to buy new ones.

Buying underwear is almost as complicated as buying a new car and picking out wallpaper. At least there are no pushy salesmen and not quite as many different selections as with wallpaper. But as I discovered on my recent shopping trip, it's not as easy as it used to be. When I was growing up, most every woman wore the same thing -- ladies briefs AKA granny panties.

But now there is an assortment of styles and they're all pretty much based around how much of your rear they cover. The chart below gives you an overview of the various styles on the market today.



While I AM a grandmother, I'm not ready for granny panties yet, so I perused some of the other styles, and here they are in a sort of descending order of butt coverage.

The hi-cut brief is exactly what its name implies -- a brief with higher cut leg openings. It's a little less old-looking than briefs, but not much.



Then we have the low-rise brief, again pretty much what its name indicates.



I got a bit confused, though, when I looked at hipsters because I'm not quite sure of the difference between a hipster and a low-rise brief.



Further down the butt-coverage scale is the bikini. And even within this style there is the standard bikini, tghe string bikini and the dip-front bikini. Who thought there'd ever be sub-genres of underwear.



And last, and certainly least, is the thong, or as Larry the Cable Guy calls it, "butt floss."



Then there's this style that seems to incorporate a more masculine styling -- the boy short.



Once you decide on a style, you have to deal with the fabric (cotton, nylon, silk, satin, microfiber), color and whether they are solid or patterned. The day of plain white panties seems to have disappeared. Bright colors and wild patterns abound. The undies display at Victoria's Secret is a veritable rainbow of hues and designs, and just like selecting wallpaper, once you think you've found what you want, you spot a pair on another table that seems a little prettier. And since you can't try on panties, sometimes your purchase is a real gamble.

It actually took me about a week to re-stock my underwear drawer and I ended up with a combination of styles, colors and fabrics to suit different articles of clothing. I won't tell you exactly what I bought, but I will tell you that drawer contains no thongs or boy shorts.

I won't go so far as to ask y'all what sort of underwear you wear (of course, if you want to volunteer the information, I won't stop you), but I will ask this: Do you get as frustrated as I do shopping for them? Do you prefer any particular fabric? Do you like solids or patterns?

When I was researching underwear, I saw this quote and loved it:

I don't believe in the after life, although I'm bringing a change of underwear. -- Woody Allen

And don't get me started on the apparent disappearance of the woman's full-length slip. I found some in a large department store, but good gracious alive, they cost as much as the dress I wanted to wear it under. And all us Southern girls know you're supposed to wear a slip under a skirt or dress to prevent unsightly show-through if the light catches you the wrong way. Anyone remember the fuss over this photo?

P.S. The Free Book Friday winner from last week is Rebekah. Please email Smarty Pants to arrange for your prize.