Apparently, I've been in a bad mood the last few weeks. (I apologize if I've been grouchy, grumpy, mean or pointedly sarcastic to you.) I hadn't realized it. DB informed me of such last weekend. Kept prodding me to talk and asked me what was wrong a million times. I don't know. I thought I was fine. Everything was fine. FINE! Stop asking! Hmm... maybe not.Unfortunately, once he pointed it out and I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. I am in a funk. Now that I'm conscious of it, I'm dwelling on the funk. Wallowing in the funk. It's just making it worse. I get teary if I just *THINK* of the movie Office Space, which is supposed to be funny, but I'd always found to be a tragic parody of my life. My mother's plan to run away to Mexico starts to look even better as I sink deeper into the Swamps of Sadness.
Last night, I spent about four hours in the car driving to his parent's place and we talked. I think there is no real root to my problem. Every once in a while, I just get like this. I'm not clinically depressed. There isn't anything specific bothering me, aside from his inability to get his dishes into the dishwasher. I have a lot going on, which might stress me out from time to time, but overall, my life is pretty darn good. Not perfect, but I can't complain too much. (All this, of course, pending on the country's financial crisis and my rapidly dwindling 401k account. That combined with the election, the exceedingly hairy sitch with Russia... I'm considering moving to a commune.)
And yet, I feel off. Like my existance doesn't have a point. A purpose. I'm very goal oriented. From childhood, I was always fighting to the next achievement. After grad school, I think I started chasing publication so I would have a new goal to work toward. That's going fine, but in the rest of my life it seems lately like I'm just going through the motions day by day. What am I offering the world? What is the point of me being on this planet? I get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch some tv, go to bed. Next day, do it again. Wishing away the week to get to the weekend. Seems pointless. Not in a "what's-the-point-of-going-on-living?" sort of way, but just... is there something I'm supposed to be doing with my life that I don't know about? I'm watching years slip by with no discernable improvements or changes.
DB made a point of reminding me that the only people who sit around pondering the meaning of life are those who aren't struggling just to survive. Makes me feel guilty for moping. I guess I tend to worry and wallow about things other people don't think about or don't have the time or energy to think about.
A rambling, wandering blog, I apologize. So, I guess now I'm trying to shake off the funk before I drown like Atreyou's horse. (A side note to the designers of the universe - a book contract would be a really great way to do it.) Do you ever just get in a funk for no real reason? What do you do to shake it off? Am I the only one sitting around pondering what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?
SP
P.S. In other, less depressing news, PC's interview is up over at the iheartpresents blog. Pop over and say hi!
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11 comments:
I think there's a big difference between a bad mood and da funk (which makes me think of George Clinton, BTW. I'm going to have that song in my head all day.) To be in a funk is like part of a rut. You need to do something new and different. Dance, laugh (not for no reason. Find something funny to laugh at), plant flowers - whatever turns your crank. Sometimes da funk is the physical result of not getting enough sun. Sit out side for lunch today.
I sound like a guy. :-/ Something is not right! Must fix it! :-)
LJ
Do we need to de-funkify?
Defunkification seemed to work last summer...
I think LJ might be on to something, especially the sunlight part.
Should we bring in da noize?
A defunkification sounds like a great idea. Unfortunately, I'm chained to my computer until these revisions are done.
And sitting in the sunshine sounds wonderful. It's been too hot until recently to just sit outside and soak but the weather is turning nice and you won't roast now. Go sit on a picnic bench somewhere and just enjoy.
Instigator
I think creative people tend to be subject to the funk more often than most. We are the first to recognize a lack of meaning in our life and also quickly become bored with the same old, same old. Just because we get down occassionally doesn't make us navel gazers. We're just thinkers who spend more time contemplating things than doers. Not wrong, just different.
Coming to accept this about myself has really helped me a lot. Because then I don't compound the funk with guilt, which just makes it harder to come out of. (Yes, I realize I have issues)
Sunlight does help! My mother is telling me that all the time. Get outside! she says. :) Of course, she loves to be outside and I don't. But LJ is right. Do something different. Or just plan something different (you know how you love to plan).
And de-funkification is always a good thing. We need a meditation time....
Angel
Oh SP, hugs!!!! I know what you mean. It's exactly like everyone else said, in part. And in part it's your quarter-life crisis. No kidding. You're not 30, but it's coming, and you wonder if you should be somewhere else doing new or different or more important things. Oh yeah, been there done that. Very typical (not everyone has it, of course).
I also think it's wound up in the creative life, in hormone shifts (yes, though you're too young to contemplate The Change, those hormones are shifting), in the rutification of our lives, etc.
And though it sounds simplistic, you absolutely must find something new and different to do (just like LJ said).
Hugs. I'll participate in a defunkification if y'all need reinforcements. :) Think I could use a bit of it myself....
The meaning of life? Isn't that kind of backwards? Life itself is the meaning. The routine things are the glue, the foundation. Taken by themselves they're meaningless, but put into the whole they're priceless, because going to work every day, taking responsibility for your life, doing chores -- right there you have some of the cornerstones of civilization.
That said, get out in the sunshine more :-).
Yes, it is beautiful outside and very comfortable. Yes, I get in a funk sometimes. Exactly how I work myself out of it, uh not sure *&^%$#? But I do eventually. Good luck with that and maybe do something for yourself as a pick-me-up.
ps, i received by books from Heidi Rice yesterday and plan to read them this weekend. THANK YOU!!
robertsonreads
Reading helps - it takes me out of myself. I'm also going to recommend a book that really helps: The New Earth by Eckert Tolle. It kind of puts things in perspective but it's not easy :)
Believe it or not, sunlight DOES help. I finally figured it out for myself but it took a while as it's not always easy to find the sun living in the Northwest. Sitting at the computer all day doesn't provide much opportunity when there is sun either. I found a great very small light box that sits right by my computer and I use it daily. It has done wonders in keeping da funk controlled just in general and I was totally amazed at how it minimized my jet lag on my Scotland vacation last year. I'm now a believer.
Good luck!
TerryS
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