E-Male

Who doesn’t hate spam? It’s annoying, bothersome, and a PITA. But I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s also very sexist. If I were a man, I’d be pretty darn pissed.

Ninety percent of the spam in my mailbox involves “enhancing” the male-specific appendage. (What I truly love is the implication inherent in those emails that a larger appendage will have women lined up to sleep with the man. Yeah, that’s what’s keeping your love life sub-par, buddy. How is the average woman supposed to know your love muscle is now so much bigger than Joe-Next-Door? Are you going to whip it out in the bar and show it to her? What, we’ll just look at you across a crowded room and the unbridled hugeness of your silken sword will just draw us to you? “Hey, baby, you’ll never guess how big I am” has always been a fabulous pick-up line. Women just love that.) If I’m really lucky, the email will have pictures in it showing me the results of the powerful enhancing cream/pill.

The other ten percent wants to sell me drugs without a prescription, offers me a better rate on my mortgage, wants to introduce me to the weight loss wonders of hoodia, or offers the lowest prices on the newest software and hottest stocks. Hmmm, not one email about enhancing MY assets. Nothing about improving MY performance. No miracle drug promising to turn me into a sex goddess who will have him begging for more. (Remember the “all natural” product for women designed to enhance libido and increase pleasure? No? Don’t feel bad…I think it was only around for a couple of months. The only reason I remember it is because a friend of mine tried it and broke out in hives.)

If my spam folder is to be believed, the one thing bothering men more than anything else is the size and performance of their manhood. Yet folks claim women obsess over their bodies. Hey, at least we vary our obsessions instead of focusing on ONE thing at the expense of everything else.
So I have to wonder, is this really something men obsess over? Are they THAT worried about it? I can’t really picture men sitting around over poker and cigars discussing the new patch that increased girth by 20%. Or sharing the fear that their women just aren’t satisfied because of their size. Are they swapping “enhancement” pill recommendations like I swap Weight Watchers recipes?

It seems rather unfair to the gender as a whole to imply their entire identity and masculinity is tied to seven inches of their bodies (but try this new product and that could increase to nine or ten!).

Men are different, bless their hearts. I don’t understand the attraction of pornography. I don’t see the excitement of things going “BOOM.” The gas grill is just another appliance for the cooking of food—not an extension or representation of masculinity. I see no need to replace something just because a bigger, badder, louder, more powerful version has been released. I will never understand the need to preserve dead animals or have the delusion that hanging a dead animal on the wall counts as interior decoration.

But I refuse to believe that the entire male population is so shallow as to think all women want in a relationship is the biggest possible package. Real life isn’t a porn film.

Folks may want to denigrate Romance or Women’s Fiction for a multitude of possible sins, but at least it doesn’t portray men in the unflattering light spammers and TV commercials do. Personally, I like my heroes “larger than life” in other ways. I like to think men have a bit more depth to them. To play off Angel’s post from yesterday, I’d like to think they’re motivated by something more.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t want to be. Thank goodness for the gmail spam filter than catches most of the crap before it hits my inbox and makes me despair over of the state of man as a whole.

So no male-bashing allowed today. Spammers are taking care of that Instead, tell me your favorite (and non-sexual) thing about men (or your man in particular). Me? I like it when DG does little things like open car doors or help me with my coat. I’m perfectly capable and liberated and all that jazz, but there’s something very nice about having someone help you in little ways for no reason and without being asked. Makes me feel all girly, you know.

*You may have noticed I’ve avoided the “p-word” throughout this entry. Not that there’s anything wrong with the word, it’s just I’m afraid that word in proximity to the word “enhancement” will bring every Blog Troll in cyberspace to the comment tail.

PC