Losing My Virginity

Now there's a blog title I never anticipated writing. I'm sure the hits on our blog will shoot up with all the perverts Googling for it. Let me just say right now to clear up any confusion that I'm talking about my Rocky Horror Picture Show virginity. You pervs can shuffle out the door to the left. Thanks.

Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my favorite movies. Right up there with Monty Python and the Playfriends know how giddy that makes me. And I don't like it because its a good movie. Its terrible, really. But it has that cult staying power, which is what I really enjoy. Funny lines you can repeat, silly songs, dances, costumes! Love it all. I've seen it at least thirty times, so I didn't feel like a virgin. I'd just only ever seen it in the relative safety of my own home. No place ever did it in the theater when I could go. If they had, like PC, I would've been out there in my Magenta costume having elbow sex every weekend.

And yet, they never did. So here I was... almost 30. And still a virgin. Sigh...

Before the movie starts, there's typically a costume contest and other activities including... The Sacrifice. All the virgins are turned in by their former friends and marched to the front of the theater to be initiated. What happens next is a closely guarded secret. Closely guarded enough that I worked very hard to get drunk in advance. I'd heard rumors from various virgins. No way I was going through that sober.

So, I overimbibed and my sacrifice was relatively painless. At that point, brain surgery without anesthesia would've been pretty painless, too. I really need to buy one of those pony and jigger things. Just pouring tequila into my little drink container was a bad idea. I started drinking about 45 minutes before the movie started and by the time rice started flying... and that was 5 minutes into it... I was high as a kite.

I figured, well, I'll be sober in 2 hours when this is over. Usually works that way. Not this time. I had gone beyond my normal intake. I remember watching the movie. Throwing cards and toast. Snapping gloves. Ringing bells. But its a surreal blur otherwise. I'm glad PC said I wasn't annoying because I wouldn't know if I was. Actually had no idea my flashlight was out for too long. Everyone just yells and sings and I had no clue what was going on. I was hiding under my newspaper shooting people with my watergun.

Then, it was all over. Riff Raff and Magenta blasted the house off to Transylvania and it was time for me to stand up. Whoa. Let's try that again. Hmm... still drunk. Way drunk. Can't find my shoe drunk. PC got to drive my car home. We considered a late night run to Denny's, but I was too far gone. There was no amount of waffles going to save me at this point. I was just a late night restaurant scene waiting to happen (and crazy drunks always end up at the Denny's) and needed to just pass out somewhere and sleep it off. Besides, even drunk, I was concerned about using too many WW points - my tequila was even mixed with sugar free Hawaiian punch. Sick, I know.

So we just went back to her place. PC gave me water, fed me toast and (apparently) took a picture of me, which I did not seem to mind at the time. Then the ultimate shame - sleeping on her couch. I just know DG got up early for church that morning and caught me passed out, mouth wide open in tequila induced snoring. (Hopefully he will be polite enough not to comment either way.)



Oh, the horror! Oh, the racoon-eyed shame of it all! When my eyes pried open, AC was watching me, a grin on her face and a (*gasp*) microphone in her hand from her Hannah Montana karaoke game. Thank the heavens PC took it from her and shooed her away. I wasn't outright hung over, but I didn't want to find out the hard way if I was. I quickly gathered my things and shuffled home as though I'd woken up in some guy's apartment after a one night stand I didn't remember.

So that's it... the story of losing my RHPS virginity. If it ever pops up in town again, I'm there, sans tequila, ready to sacrifice other virgins with ghoulish glee. Now, for suffering through my story, there is a reward! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! In celebration, I'm giving away a copy of Blazing Bedtime Stories autographed by Rhonda Nelson. To enter, comment! Wish us a Happy Valentine's Day, share a RHPS experience, a too-much-tequila experience... It's all good. :)

SP