Friday, February 13, 2009

Losing My Virginity

Now there's a blog title I never anticipated writing. I'm sure the hits on our blog will shoot up with all the perverts Googling for it. Let me just say right now to clear up any confusion that I'm talking about my Rocky Horror Picture Show virginity. You pervs can shuffle out the door to the left. Thanks.

Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of my favorite movies. Right up there with Monty Python and the Playfriends know how giddy that makes me. And I don't like it because its a good movie. Its terrible, really. But it has that cult staying power, which is what I really enjoy. Funny lines you can repeat, silly songs, dances, costumes! Love it all. I've seen it at least thirty times, so I didn't feel like a virgin. I'd just only ever seen it in the relative safety of my own home. No place ever did it in the theater when I could go. If they had, like PC, I would've been out there in my Magenta costume having elbow sex every weekend.

And yet, they never did. So here I was... almost 30. And still a virgin. Sigh...

Before the movie starts, there's typically a costume contest and other activities including... The Sacrifice. All the virgins are turned in by their former friends and marched to the front of the theater to be initiated. What happens next is a closely guarded secret. Closely guarded enough that I worked very hard to get drunk in advance. I'd heard rumors from various virgins. No way I was going through that sober.

So, I overimbibed and my sacrifice was relatively painless. At that point, brain surgery without anesthesia would've been pretty painless, too. I really need to buy one of those pony and jigger things. Just pouring tequila into my little drink container was a bad idea. I started drinking about 45 minutes before the movie started and by the time rice started flying... and that was 5 minutes into it... I was high as a kite.

I figured, well, I'll be sober in 2 hours when this is over. Usually works that way. Not this time. I had gone beyond my normal intake. I remember watching the movie. Throwing cards and toast. Snapping gloves. Ringing bells. But its a surreal blur otherwise. I'm glad PC said I wasn't annoying because I wouldn't know if I was. Actually had no idea my flashlight was out for too long. Everyone just yells and sings and I had no clue what was going on. I was hiding under my newspaper shooting people with my watergun.

Then, it was all over. Riff Raff and Magenta blasted the house off to Transylvania and it was time for me to stand up. Whoa. Let's try that again. Hmm... still drunk. Way drunk. Can't find my shoe drunk. PC got to drive my car home. We considered a late night run to Denny's, but I was too far gone. There was no amount of waffles going to save me at this point. I was just a late night restaurant scene waiting to happen (and crazy drunks always end up at the Denny's) and needed to just pass out somewhere and sleep it off. Besides, even drunk, I was concerned about using too many WW points - my tequila was even mixed with sugar free Hawaiian punch. Sick, I know.

So we just went back to her place. PC gave me water, fed me toast and (apparently) took a picture of me, which I did not seem to mind at the time. Then the ultimate shame - sleeping on her couch. I just know DG got up early for church that morning and caught me passed out, mouth wide open in tequila induced snoring. (Hopefully he will be polite enough not to comment either way.)



Oh, the horror! Oh, the racoon-eyed shame of it all! When my eyes pried open, AC was watching me, a grin on her face and a (*gasp*) microphone in her hand from her Hannah Montana karaoke game. Thank the heavens PC took it from her and shooed her away. I wasn't outright hung over, but I didn't want to find out the hard way if I was. I quickly gathered my things and shuffled home as though I'd woken up in some guy's apartment after a one night stand I didn't remember.

So that's it... the story of losing my RHPS virginity. If it ever pops up in town again, I'm there, sans tequila, ready to sacrifice other virgins with ghoulish glee. Now, for suffering through my story, there is a reward! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day! In celebration, I'm giving away a copy of Blazing Bedtime Stories autographed by Rhonda Nelson. To enter, comment! Wish us a Happy Valentine's Day, share a RHPS experience, a too-much-tequila experience... It's all good. :)

SP

15 comments:

Lynn Raye Harris said...

ROFL! Oh yes, I've had my drunken Denny's waffle experience. There was a time when the hubby and I were perpetual night owls (due to his midnight work schedule and my swing shift) and we spent a few nights in Denny's after clubbing. CanNOT imagine this now. With age comes wisdom. Thank GOD.

IF RHPS ever comes back and shows at a decent hour (no later than 10PM), I'll go. Otherwise, I shall remain a virgin until I die. ;-)

Playground Monitor said...

Could you make those photos any smaller? ::grin:: Sounds like quite an experience, which I think I shall pass on. I'm too old for midnight shows, costumes and props. But I'm glad you and PC had a good time.

Laurie said...

Sounds like a lot of fun! I guess you can go back now and experience it without the alcoholic haze.

For years,down here in Florida, RHPS was shown on TV continuously around Halloween. Loved... Time Warp, Meat Loaf, Susanne Sarandon etc... It's a classic!!

When we lived in the Milwaukee area a long, long time ago, my BIL went to the friday night, midnight showings in costume all the time. Wish we would have tagged along!!

Congrats on loosing your virginity!! You wear it well!!

Problem Child said...

And I forget to give SP a good shake before I brought her inside. I had rice all over my bathroom floor...

Smarty Pants said...

Sorry, PC. :( I didn't realize I had rice in my pants at the time. Heck, I could've had ants in my pants and I wouldn't have noticed...

Angel said...

I howled through this entire blog! What's even funnier than hearing you talk about it is, I can picture it happening in my mind. Only you, SP!

Thanks for taking such good care of her during her "first time", PC.

I have to admit, I don't have any tequila-induced stories. As the Playfriends know very well, it doesn't take much to send me over the edge into drunkenness. Then I usually giggle for 30 minutes an pass out. :) No fun at all, let me tell ya.

Angel

Instigator said...

Sigh, I would have paid really good money to see this. :-D I'm glad you had a fantastic time though! And maybe next time I'll have to come...and probably sleep on PC's couch.

Instigator

Liza said...

No tequila stories for RHPS, but I didn't see it for the first time until college. One of my friends took me to a midnight showing and we had a blast.

We always went to Waffle House, IHOP, Krystals or Perkins when drunk. I really don't know who started the rumor that Krystal burgers would cure a hangover, but I'm pretty sure they were drunk at the time. The waffles and eggs seem to do a better job.

Anonymous said...

Funny! I saw RHPS a long, long time ago and not since. I didn't know people brought props and such as you ladies apparently did. I might have to see if my local library has that and watch it again. Alos, I've never seen Monty Python....hmmm, movie weekend or maybe I'll save this experience for when I move closer to my sisters and have movie night with them. And being drunk, yep, I did that back in the day. And I'm very fortunate, bacause back then I did get behind the wheel when I shouldn't have. God definitely looks after fools, I'm here to tell you.
robertsonreads

Kathy said...

It appears I'm a virgin everything. ;)

Sherry Werth said...

I'm gonna have to watch this movie. But it sounds like I need to do that in the safety of my own home! :D

Anonymous said...

vigin daiquiris are great

happy vday everyone
hope eveyrone gets and receives love.

love rhonda books
count me in
love them blazes

kim h

Jane said...

I've never seen Rocky Horror Picture Show. Now I know what I've been missing.

cas2ajs said...

Hmmm . . . I've never seen RHPS either. My sil owns it, though. I may have to borrow it & see what it's all about.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Cheryl S.

kimmyl said...

Happy Valentine's Day!!!! I agree with you Lynn. LOL