Monday, May 29, 2006
In For the Long Haul... Or Am I?
I've got to be honest with y'all. Perseverence is not my forte. Shocking, I know, but true. There are only three things I've entered into with determination and stuck with: marriage (my husband told me up front that divorce wasn't an option), motherhood (guess I have no choice there), and writing (I'm still wondering about that one). :) Well, maybe a few more things, but they weren't nearly as important.
My child made a statement this weekend that had me reevaluating my commitment to writing. She told a man we'd met less than a hour before that, "Mommy doesn't like having children when she's a writer." Granted, I'd just bemoaned trying to get my children to listen to me and obey after telling both of them about a hundred times to get out of the muddy water puddle. Granted, my husband assured me that what she MEANT to say was "Mommy doesn't like children bothering her when she's writing." Granted, Counselor Shelley has assured me that if you worry about whether you are a good mommy or not, then you are a good mommy (must repeat this to myself over and over and over...).
I still cried after they went to bed.
Yet today, as I worked on the plot for my next book, I knew that I couldn't stop writing. The excitement I felt over these new characters and the conflict and the realizations, I just don't think I could give that up. I don't want to. Which means this is a really big deal to me. A life changing deal. Writing is the one thing I've persisted in for me and me alone. My husband and children couldn't care less if I stopped writing tomorrow, as long as I was happy. This gift is mine alone.
Though I think it is good for my kids to see me pursuing my dream, Mommy-guilt continues to rear its ugly head. I doubt it will ever go away. I'm doing my best to combat it with extra hugs and special outings this summer. I'll never be Mommy of the Year, but hopefully sometimes I can be Mommy of the Moment.
And I'll dream of the day when I can take my daughter into a bookstore and show her Mommy's book on the shelf. Better yet, one day she'll be old enough to actually read it. Then again, I may have to tear out all the love scenes, even if she is thirty. :)
P.S. What do you do when you're ready to quit the race? I usually call on my husband or a Playfriend or two or three. I can't hit the chocolate because I'm dieting for Nationals.